Seeing my friends getting their degrees overseas and I'm still stuck here in Singapore barely coping with my studies is really making me feel depressed. Suicidal. I mean hello? I'll only get my diploma in 2 years time! Two years. And they're going to get their degree certificate by this year or early next year. I guess I'm really a failure. I feel defeated. I don't want to be a failure but right now I feel like one. 

How do I go through all the set backs? Where do I even begin in the first place? I've less than 3 weeks to sort out all the mess I've made the past 20 years. It's exhausting, emotionally draining and whatever you can think of.

I've never been afraid of the future, you know? But now? The future scares me. It's like I don't even want to think about it since the present is hard enough. But the only way I'll be successful is if I plan years ahead which means I have to think about the future. And when I think about the future, I can only think about death; well at least that's one of the matters that comes to my mind. The most pressing one. Also I think about what job I'll be getting. And will i get into university? Will I be able to support my parents and the list goes on...

I used to be this brave girl, but now all I see is a weakling. Just letting each day pass by. I want to change. I need to. I don't want to be stuck and lead the life I'm leading. I need to be better. I'm better at this. I know. I just need to figure how.

God, please help me.

After much denial, I hereby declare that I'm not good at making or keeping friends. Why? You tell me.

I've come to a realisation that I'm leading a pretty lonely life. This is not me trying to wallow myself in self-pity but it's the truth. It hurts whenever I see people having fun with their good friends, soul mates, family and I'm not. I tried. I tried blending with others but somehow it just didn't work. Or maybe I'm full with insecurities... I'm very cautious and particular who I befriend with. I rarely keep my guards down. Or I'm just not sociable enough. Too many a times I've been let down by others that I feel I'd do fine without them.

To think about this is just depressing. You know when they say if you feel like you're going to lose something and that's good...because you at least have something you possess right now... I wish that was my case but it's not. I have nothing to lose since I don't even have anything in the first place.

Such is life, for me at least. Sigh.

Why should I worry about small things as this when others in the other parts of the world are suffering a much worst fate than me? Right. Time to stop complaining.